Pregnancy Announcements, Grief, and Guilt: When You’re Happy for Them and Hurting for Yourself

Pregnancy announcements can be unexpectedly painful when you are navigating infertility. Almost every client that I have worked with who has experienced infertility has expressed some degree of challenge around coping with pregnancy announcements. Mostly while in the thick of it, but sometimes even years later.

Maybe this resonates with you. Quietly excusing yourself to the bathroom to cry before rejoining the moment as if nothing is wrong. Saying the right things but feeling disconnected from the words. Scrolling through social media and feeling like everyone you know is pregnant. Friends or family on their second or third pregnancy announcement while you await just one positive test. There is a children’s book titled “We Waited For You” that includes the relatable quote, “Sometimes it seemed everybody we knew, even bears at the zoo, had a baby or two. But we waited for you.” 

I am often asked something along the lines of,  “What is wrong with me that I can’t be happy for them?”. Cue the guilt. The short answer is nothing is wrong with you. Your grief is valid and it is about you, not your friend/family member/coworker/bear at the zoo’s pregnancy. You are not wishing bad things on this person or their pregnancy, you are grieving your own experience that remains deeply unresolved. You are grieving your own timeline and your own disruption to the anticipated attachment of a future child. Grief over an identity based expectation of parenthood or family. 

Infertility grief is often hard to explain because it does not follow a single event. Instead, it is recurrent, cumulative, and ongoing. Each cycle, test, treatment, or challenge can activate grief all over again.

From a neurological perspective, this places significant demands on the brain. Grief engages several brain regions involved in emotion regulation, stress response, and cognitive functioning. When stress is activated repeatedly over time, it can lead to heightened sensitivity and emotional reactivity. The nervous system responds automatically to activators or “triggers” without pausing to consult the more reflective, rational parts of the brain.

This reaction is not a reflection of jealousy, resentment, or lack of love. It is a grief response and the brain doing its best under chronic emotional strain. Research also suggests that grief is processed along some of the same neural pathways as physical pain, which helps explain why grief is often experienced as physically painful.

It is possible and normal to experience two conflicting feelings at the same time. You can be happy that your friend is pregnant, and also sad, angry, or heartbroken about your own journey. Grief does not cancel out joy for others and joy for others does not cancel your pain. 

Taking care of yourself might look like implementing temporary boundaries for protecting limited emotional capacity:

• Taking a break from pregnancy and baby content on social media 

• Take space from announcements or updates

• Ask for sensitive communication (texts instead of public reveals)

• Choosing to decline baby showers or pregnancy centered events

Reminders for self:

• I don’t need to attend everything to prove I’m supportive.

• I can step back without shutting people out.

• Protecting my mental health is not selfish.

• I can honor my needs and still care deeply for others.

When therapy support might help:

• If pregnancy announcements or other triggers consistently feel overwhelming or activating, it may be an indicator that your grief needs more dedicated space to be acknowledged and processed. 

• Anxiety or depression has developed, increased, or felt less manageable.

• You are unsure how to navigate relationships and boundary setting. 

• You want to be intentional about holding space for your experience and related emotions.

For more information on therapy for infertility:

www.jennifervalentacounseling.com

Therapy for Infertility | Jennifer Valenta Counseling

Supportive therapy for infertility to help you process emotions, make informed decisions, strengthen relationships, and navigate grief and assisted reproductive treatments.